I have recently realised that I’m bisexual. I feel like I’ve come full circle to the point where I’m attracted to guys. It feels strange.
Before I transitioned, I only very occasionally found guys attractive, and I could never see myself being with a guy. I was almost exclusively attracted to women and only desired a relationship with a woman, so I called myself gay. I was uncomfortable with the word lesbian and for a while I wasn’t sure why. I began to realise it was because I felt that calling myself a lesbian, also implied that I was female and I was becoming increasingly aware that I didn’t identify as a woman.
When I transitioned, I found it strange that I was supposedly now straight. I often preferred to call myself queer, because I still didn’t feel straight, and I definitely had some attraction to guys. I began having more and more fantasies about men after I’d transitioned, alongside continuing fantasies about women.
It wasn’t until I came to uni that I properly kissed my first guy (discounting pre-teen kisses). It was a one off drunken thing, and I was in a relationship with a girl at the time so it never went further. When my relationship broke down, and we split up, I allowed myself to consider my attractions to men again. I was open to something happening, but not really looking for something with anyone.
Then I met this guy on a club night at the SU, he seemed nice, we’d already spoken at predrinks so he definitely knew I was trans. That took some of the anxiety away, but I still remember being quite terrified that night; I was bringing a guy home for the first time ever, and it was to be my first ever experience with penis. He was very considerate, and I ended up really enjoying it. I realised that I would just be in denial if I continued to resist calling myself bisexual.
I’ve only ever seriously dated girls, but that may well be something that will change in the future. I’m now open to pretty much dating anyone, trying not to obsess too much about labels and letting myself go with the flow a bit more.
However, labels have always been quite important to me, and at any given point I can and do enjoy being able to precisely define my sexuality, even going as far as to put percentages on it. My mind just works that way, and I completely respect those who’s minds are different from mine. Not everyone is comfortable labelling themselves, and that’s okay too.