Over the past few months I’ve been slowly getting over a relationship that ended in quite a horrible way. It’s been difficult because I’d developed such strong feelings in just a short time, and suddenly I felt like a lot of my hope for the future had been stripped away. It’s taken me a while to even accept the reality that we’re not together any more, and we’re not getting back together, but I think, although I do still get sad about it occasionally, I am feeling that it was for the best.
It also hasn’t helped that I’ve been on my own quite a lot over the past few weeks, working and studying instead of socialising as much as I do during the uni term. Semester two started on Monday so I have been rudely thrust back into lectures, with 9am lectures everyday except for Wednesdays. Since become a student 9am lectures have become a struggle! So far, although it is tiring, it has been good. We have a lot of new lecturers to get used to, but as I have such a good group of friends on my course, I don’t seem to have any tutorial classes on my own, and there’s always someone to sit and talk to during breaks.
Another thing the start of the semester has brought with it has been the relaunch of LGBT socials, which are usually great, especially now I have a lot of friends there, and it feels like such a lovely community.
I know that it is much better for me to be going out and doing things, but I think that’s one of those things I needed to realise for myself. When someone tells me I need to go out and do more it seems like an impossible task, and something I don’t want to do. It’s hard to motivate myself to go out if there isn’t really anything I need to go out for, so having uni as the motivating reason to get me out of bed, and out of the flat, is really helpful.
Last night I went out with the intention of just having a nice night out with my friends, I wasn’t looking for anything more. Then I started speaking to this girl, and we got on so well and seemed to have quite a bit in common, which was really lovely. I wasn’t sure if she was interested in me or just being friendly, but as the evening went on it became clear she was interested. When she left she asked for my number, and I will be seeing her again on another night out tomorrow, so I’m quite looking forward to getting to know her better.
I do worry that people will have an issue with me being trans in a relationship, and I have noticed that a couple of recent experiences have affected me somewhat badly. I try not to give up hope though, and continue to hold on to the fact that there are people who find me attractive and want to be around me. I’m not a failure or too broken to be loved.