I’ve been struggling a bit with everyday life recently. It’s been especially difficult to find the motivation to go shopping and cook myself proper food.
I’ve had several times recently when I’ve gone into a shop with the intention of buying things, wandered round the shop, and then left empty handed. My brain tells me I don’t deserve food, that I can’t afford it (even though I can) and that they don’t stock anything I want. They usually do stock most things I need, I just can’t motivate myself to find them, or to try different shops.
I’m quite ambitious with my cooking, I like to cook meals from scratch with fresh ingredients where possible. I still occasionally have pizza and fast food, but the majority of my meals are home cooked. This usually works brilliantly, when I’m feeling up to it, I cook a few huge meals and freeze them into portions to be reheated. The problem comes when I run out of meals in my freezer, and when this coincides with a low period. I end up surviving on what little I have left, biscuits and toast.
I’ve recently stocked up again with soup and also cooked a few tasty meals which will last me for a while long so I feel I am coming out of this rough patch somewhat. I try to be prepared for this happening by always keeping the freezer stocked, but it can take me by surprise and by the time I’ve realised things aren’t going to well it can be too late.
At times like this it’s very hard to do anything. Getting up, and washed and dressed feels like a gigantic effort. To leave my room, cook, and do chores is another huge task. Then we add making it to class, and doing homework. This is where I start to fail, skipping class and not handing in work. I don’t have the energy to spare on study when it’s taking everything I have to keep myself alive and ticking.
My anxiety grows, my brain is clamouring, you need to do the things. You need to study, to work on the group project, to hand in your work, to attend lectures. You need to socialise, why are you getting so tired.
But the fact is, I can’t. I’m barely managing to keep myself going, and it’s absolutely okay to be focussing on that right now. It’s understandable that after an hour in the kitchen surrounded by flatmates that you would be tired. After going into uni, you are allowed to take some time to relax and treat yourself. You do deserve praise for achieving even the most basic self care.