I found something out about a couple of months ago that really set me back. It led to the most serious episode of self harm I’ve had in over a year.
It involved a massive invasion of my online privacy and violation of my trust. It’s made me incredibly worried that I’ve had many conversations and emails which were intended to be private, but in fact may have not been. It’s also been a huge violation of my friends’ privacy, as there are things which were intended for my eyes only, which have been read unauthorised.
I only found out that this had been going on through some information coming to light that shouldn’t have. This had the potential to cause serious problems for me, although thankfully nothing seems to have come of it. It worries me to think that it would have carried on indefinitely had I not found out.
I’m being intentionally vague here as my intention isn’t to name and shame exactly what’s happened, but rather to talk about my feelings recently.
This has left me questioning whether anyone can be trusted. By nature I’m very trusting, probably too trusting. I take people’s words at face value and expect them to tell me the truth, especially when it’s people I’m close to. I’ve learnt through this recent event and the break up that preceded it that you really cannot trust even those closest to you. The people who tell you they love you are often the ones to watch because they think they can get away with lies and deceit “for your own good”.
Despite all this I’m not sure I will learn not to trust people. I certainly trust my current boyfriend, and although I question whether I should, in practice I find it hard not to.
I automatically expect authenticity in return for my own honesty. I enjoy being fully myself, and not hiding parts of me. There are several things which people have told me I shouldn’t talk about, but I continue to do so because it’s a freeing process.
The paranoia and fear of rejection that comes with bpd is ever present. I rarely fully believe that anyone truly cares about me, and my brain constantly tells me that they don’t. It’s always a struggle to believe and trust someone when they say they do, especially when I’ve been so hurt in the past.
Trust is a complicated thing, and can often work on a gut instinct. It takes time to build it up, especially after a break down of trust. It isn’t easy to quantify at all. I will keep on hoping, and trying to select the right people to put my faith in. I’m sure I’ll be hurt again, but that’s part of life.